Devil In Blue Dress Takes On Colorful Ninjas

In an apparent surprise attack, two ninjas tried to take down the Devil in a San Francisco bar late Friday night. The Devil, with a blue dress on, defended herself with what appeared to be a pitchfork covered in glitter. Sources close to the Devil claim she was trying to “jazz the pitchfork up a bit”.

The identity of the ninjas remains a mystery (damn stealthy ninjas). However, eyewitnesses have described them as “female, hot, and single.” In the hopes of bringing these two fugitives to justice, authorities are encouraging locals to scour San Francisco neighborhoods for hot single women. The locals have been very obliging and are taking it to a whole new level in areas such as the Marina – where “female and breathing” has become cause for a full body pat down by ex frat boys with propped collars and nighttime sunglasses.

The Devil could not be reached for comment, however, her boyfriend – a tinsel-halo and tiny-wing sporting angel – assured authorities that she did in fact arrive home safely after the ordeal. “I knew she was going to be fine when she demanded a 3 am quesadilla from Taqeria Cancun and started complaining that her must-have 3-inch stilettos were hurting her feet. The Devil is nothing if not high maintenance.”

Am I Going To The WHAT?!?!

Did no one ever say the name OUT LOUD?
Did they say it but just not GET it?
What were they thinking?

I’ll admit it’s a good idea – on paper - what with it being almost Halloween, and the event being a Bar-B-Q. And the name, at first, seeming rather clever.

But when a co-worker asked me, in front of a large group of other co-workers, if I was going to the Boo-B-Q (get it? Halloween… Bar-B-Q… Get it???) I almost choked on my cranberry scone. It literally took me a full 20 seconds to figure out that he wasn’t referring to my lovely lady lumps, during which time I blushed a nice shade of crimson and just sort of blinked. And, of course, the look of shock and horror that took over his face just seconds after he uttered the fateful phrase was quite priceless.

Is that what the people who came up with the name were going for? Team building through shared awkward moments? Maybe. More likely, I just work with idiots.

I Just Couldn't Decide

Just uploaded some pics from the Cal-Oregon game (Cal's Homecoming) a few weekends ago. (Yes, I actually used to have weekends.)

As I was going through them, I came across this one:



Hee hee! I must have been having one of those days.

For the record, I think I proceeded to spill beer all over myself shortly after this picture was taken. I would not reccommend drinking beers in parallel.

Snoozeland

Well, it's a good thing I presented first today (when everyone was hopped up on caffeine and bagles) because by 2pm no less than 5 people were SLEEPING through our day long design review.

Awesome.

I'm pretty glad we killed ourselves all week/weekend so everyone could get a nice nap in.

:\

On the up side, now that we're done with the review I can cut back at work... down to a mere 60 hours a week. Wee.

Six Hours

I was at my desk six hours ago. Here I am again. It's 8am. And it's Saturday.

In those six hours I drove home, went to bed, slept, woke up, showered, and drove back to work.

Six is entirely too few hours to accomplish the above mentioned items. 2am is entirley too late to be at work on a Friday night. 8am is entirely too early to be at work on a Saturday morning. And it is entirely too depressing to consider that I was SUPPOSED to be in Cabo San Lucas at this VERY MOMENT with my best girl friends but had to forgo the trip at the last minute due to work pressures.

Entirely.

:(

This sucks.

For You, Grandma

When I was little, my grandmother made me a joke book. An elephant joke book, no less. Filled with elephant jokes that she had painstakingly cut out of some newspaper, likely over several months. I never understood why she cut out, saved, and then glued all these little elephant jokes into an old photo album, but I remember LOVING it. Hmmm, maybe that's why she did it. Grandmas are good like that. Anyway, so now I have this ridiculous fetish for cheesy elephant jokes. It's one of my quirks, and it's endearing, darn it.

Today, while reading my daily comics and jokes (from Acramax) I stumbled across as terrible an elephant joke as I had ever seen. I was instantly in love and knew that I MUST share it with the world.

Enjoy!

How To Catch a White Elephant:
Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins).
Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it.
The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins).
Repeat this procedure for five days in a row. After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin (with raisins).
The sixth day you climb the tree, bringing with you a muffin (without raisins). Drop the muffin (without raisins) as usual.
When the white elephant finds out that the muffin (without raisins) lacks raisins, it will darken in anger.
And then you catch it the same way you catch an ordinary grey elephant.

:D

They See Me Mowin'

I'd heard the song before, but it was my lovely friend Katrina who introduced me to the video. Quite frankly, I think it's awesome.

Enjoy!

Letter Of Recognition

Dear Courtney’s Mom,

We are pleased to inform you that your daughter has excellent manners. She makes good impressions on boyfriends’ families AND she sends thoughtful thank you notes and encloses pictures – which they apparently LOVE! She mostly rocks. We’ve attributed said rocking to fantastic parenting. Nice work!

Sincerely,
The How To Impress Your Boyfriend’s Family Police

Make It All Better

Tossing and turning.
Can’t sleep.
Mind racing.
So much to do.
Must sleep.
1 2 3… Sleep!
Sleeeeeeep.
Stressing.
Stressing.
Stressing.
Open my eyes.
Pitch black room.
Reach out my hand.
Kitty.
He starts to purr.
Steady and comforting.
My own little diesel engine.
The bed hums as I snuggle my face into his fur.
I drift off...

Deep Breath, Regroup, Push Forward

Hit a low point today.
I’ve been stumbling along.
Something had to give.
It gave.
I’m sad.
I’m stressed.
I’m overworked.
But I’m healthy.
And I have friends that love me.
And Kyle loves me.
And my family loves me.
And I’ll get through the next few months.
And I’ll go back to school next year when work eases up.
And I can’t believe I’m taking a leave of absence from school...
I’m so close to being done.
I feel like a quitter.
:(
But I can’t work 60 hours a week AND go to school.
12 hour work days do not leave time for school.
I have to be realistic.
Twelve.hour.days.for.the.next.six.months.
They told me I’ll be working on Christmas.
I cried.
It’s not my fault that we’re behind schedule at work.
I *know* that it’s not my fault.
Repeat: NOT YOUR FAULT, COURTNEY.
Stop beating yourself up.
It’s ok.
Things will be fine.
The world will not end.
It will suck for a while, but it will not end.
Besides, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
Ha ha.
Bad joke.
I must be tired.
I’m going to miss school.
But it’ll be there waiting for me next fall.
And think how much this whole experience will teach me.
In fact, from this point forward, I will consider it an awesome opportunity to really push myself.
I like to push myself.
I can do this.
I will ask for help.
I will prioritize.
I will finish what I start.
I will be ok.

For The Truly Girly

I got an email from my BFF in New York today. She wrote to tell me all about this fab new blog called The Female Fan – created to help women learn more about football.

Neat!

In the email, she explains all about the blog… how it will teach the novice female fan all the must-know football terms (so that she can get into the game) and how it will give her all sorts of pertinent football trivia knowledge, so that she can impress her football loving friends.

Neat!

And then my darling BFF, who I love dearly, goes on to say that in addition to normal football stuff the blog will also provide the reader with “fun stuff” like the dish on football/celebrity couples and polls to vote for the hottest player.

Blink. Blink.

Football/celebrity couples? Really???

That’s not “fun stuff”. That’s girly fluff!! Don’t get me wrong, I loves me some sexy Tom Brady. But for me, football is about the game, the competition, the history, the stats, the home team pride, and the crushing of one’s opponent – and maybe even breaking his leg in the process. Football is gritty, dirty, (and for the fans) drunken fun. It’s about yelling so loud you lose your voice. It’s about waking up at the crack of dawn to paint your face and shotgun a beer. It’s about tailgating and BBQing and sports bars and fattening food. It’s about high five-ing a total stranger when your team scores and yelling obscenities at the ref for bogus calls. It’s about strategic field position and knowing when to go for it on a 4th down. It’s about hating Notre Dame. And the BCS. It’s exhilarating and way more exciting than worrying about who’s dating who and who’s butt looks the nicest in football pants.

Sheesh!

But. Having said all that – the blog in question actually is actually sort of fun… if you can get past all the Who’s Hot, Who’s Not polls. So enjoy: http://femalefan.ivillage.com/

Book

Re: some of the comments on my last post...

There's a BOOK!!??

To The Bone

It seems my windshield wipers were SO BAD for SO LONG that I just sort of got used to draaaagggg... chatter chatter chatter... smudge. Draaaagggg... chatter chatter chatter... smudge.

I vaguely remember thinking something MUST be wrong sometime last Spring. But then it stopped raining and the problem sort of went away. (Amazing how that works.)

Well, the rain came back today... and so did that sneaking suspicion that all was not right in windshield wiper land. In addition to the noise from the wiper blades being louder than my stereo (I kid you not - how did I live with this for so long???), the smudging seemed to have optimized itself such that EVERY square inch of windshield was perfectly coated in a thin film of water so as to COMPLETELY obscure my vision. It was so bad that I actually considered pulling over to try and wait out the rain. (p.s. it's still raining outside - so that would have been a terrible idea, by the way.)

Instead, I decide that new wiper blades are in order... but it's late, and the only place open is Walmart (p.s. I HATE Walmart.) I sigh. I go to Walmart. I park roughly 800 miles away from the entrance because 3 billion other people ALSO decided to go to Walmart tonight, and they took all of the good parking spots. I trek from my car to the entrance in the pouring rain. I walk to the automotive section. I find wiper blades. I pause.

Did you know that wiper blades COME IN DIFFERENT SIZES???

Well I didn't.

I trek back to my car. I try to remove one of my wiper blades so I can take it inside with me to compare sizes. I realize that I do not know how to remove said wiper blade. I retrieve my owner’s manual from the bottom of my glove box (p.s. I keep WAY too much crap in my glove box.) I read the wiper blade section. It is confusing at best. I stand in the rain with the owner’s manual in one hand while trying to remove a wiper blade with the other hand. I get very wet. But I am successful! (p.s. removing a wiper blade is WAY easier than they make it sound in the owner's manual.)

I trek back to the Walmart entrance, wiper blade in hand. I go to the automotive section. I find my size wiper blades. I buy two. I trek back to my car. I pause.

Did you know that the driver's side wiper blade is a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SIZE than the passenger's side wiper blade?

Well I didn't.

I remove the passenger's side wiper blade. I trek back to the Walmart entrance. I go to the automotive section. I find the correct passenger's side wiper blade size. I buy one. I trek back to my car.

In the pouring, pouring, rain I install two new, properly-sized, wiper blades. Finally.

I'm soaked, but victory is mine.