Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Pregnancy Journal

Hey look what I found: my pregnancy journal!! Nothing fancy, just a few thoughts I jotted down while B was in my belly. :) Warm fuzzies. Copied and Pasted here for posterity.

The day I found out I was pregnant, I cried. Big sobbing tears. For no good reason, really... because, I mean, it's not like it was an accident. In fact, it was very deliberately NOT an accident. I knew when I was ovulating almost down to the hour. No no, THIS was intentional. It was something that I had dreamed about since I was a little girl playing house with my dollies. And something that Kyle and I had talked at lengths about since pretty much the start of our relationship. It was something I wanted so badly that I could almost taste it. But then I saw the word "pregnant" on that damn little stick and I gasped in disbelief, shouted No!!!!!!! and then I cried. A lot. I think the tears were a result of, in addition to the idea of bringing a LIFE into being - and WOW is that a heavy thought - the fact that I was so sure that I WASN'T pregnant... I think mostly it felt weird to be SO wrong about my own body. I was CERTAIN that I wasn't pregnant. I was even starting to feel relieved that I wasn't pregnant, grateful for the "practice" 2 week wait. I learned a lot in those two weeks, and messed up a few times, and NEXT month, when the whole pregnancy thing DID happen, well, I'd be MUCH better prepared for it. Except then I WAS pregnant. It wasn't "practice" at all... sounds of "this is not a drill!" echoed through my head. This was IT. The real thing. The real thing and I didn't even RECOGNIZE it. Gah. I felt, instantly, like a terrible mother. Ah, maternal guilt... and so it begins.

Weeks 4 and 5... I still don't feel pregnant... this is a bit disconcerting. :( Although my boobs do hurt like hell! And they've basically filled out to porn star proportions. Kyle is a fan.

Wednesday, 5 weeks, 6 days: As if on cue, the nausea started (just about 6 weeks along now). Blah. Seems a bowl of cereal at about 5 am is all that will save me.

Friday, 6 weeks, 1 day (based on Sept 9, due date): I feel sick. Caitlin mentioned that Brenda constantly ate crackers during her first trimester... I got a box of saltines today. Ahhh, sweet relief for my tummy. I wonder if healthy people ever just eat saltines for the heck of it... or are the saltine producers kept in business entirely by folks trying to avoid puking? Hmmm...
Wednesday, 6 weeks, 6 days: Kyle's dad made some comment today about me carrying his future grandchild... it was a small, nothing sort of comment, but it sorta made me feel like a human crockpot... like I'm some sort of vessel who's sole purpose is to slow cook this baby for 9 months. Ugh.

Friday, 7 weeks, 1 day: Still feeling crummy. I feel like I have the flu. Work is miserable. Ugh. Kyle's parents are in town and I want to do is sleep and eat cereal. I've basically been living on crackers for the past few days.
Saturday, 7 weeks, 2 days: Finally feel a bit better - had a steak quesadilla for breakfast and an Ike's sandwhich for dinner! Woo - hoo for real food!
Sunday, 7 weeks, 3 days: OMG I am SOOOO tired. Slept till 1:30 today. Wow. I feel like a cat.
Monday, 7 weeks, 2 days: Kyle is working late - I'm having apples and peanut butter for dinner. Yum.
Tuesday, 7 weeks, 5 days: Thought maybe the nausea was done... I was wrong. Had a bowl of cereal at 2:15 in the morning (I guess I should have eaten a bigger dinner last night!) Slept hard from 2:30 to 6 and then again from 6 to 8. Still no weight gain. I seem to be holding fast at 145 lb. Wow - there is going to come a time in my life when I *strive* to get back to 145 lb. Right now, in my head, 145 lb just sounds like I'm 10 lb too heavy. Sigh.

Friday, 8 weeks, 1 day: finished a HUGE project at work today! Maybe now I can relax a bit. My mom is coming into town tomorrow.
Sunday, 8 weeks, 3 days: My mom is in town and we've sat on the couch ALLLLLL weekend long editing her cookbook. Didn't feel queasy at all today! (Hooray!) I think baby likes me to sit still, not do too much, and certainly not stress. This baby doesn't know me very well.
Monday, 8 weeks, 4 days: Back to work - and back to feeling queasy/ill. Boooo. Mom is still in town - we're still working on her cookbook. This is a major project...

Monday, 9, weeks ?? days: HEARTBEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kyle and I went to our first pre-natal appointment this morning and glory of glories we heard the heartbeat! It was only for a few seconds, but MAN, what an amazing sound. There's a little PERSON in there. And he/she has a HEARTBEAT!!! Woah. Dr. Green decided to give me credit for having a 26 day cycle. Woo-Hoo. Basically, I'm due 38 weeks after conception (which we think happened on Tuesday Dec 15) instead of just 40 weeks after my last visit from AF. She said this put my due date on Sept. 6 (although, by my calculations, 38 weeks after Dec 15 is Sept 7). Hmmmm, so if we go by standard 40 weeks, I'm due on Thursday, Sept 9, which makes me currently 9 weeks 4 days. If we go by conception + 38 weeks, I'm 9 weeks 6 days pregnant. If we go by a due date of Sept 6, I'm 10 weeks pregnant today. Gah! I think from now on, I'll assume a Sept 7... which means I'm 9 weeks 6 days. Yikes, where does the time go? Still feeling a bit queasy/exhausted, but it's gotten better... sort of.

Friday, 10 weeks 3 days: two blood tests in one week. Sheesh! Good thing I've gotten over my fear of needles. I seem to have given up on real pants all together this week. Spent the last three days in stretchy leggings under loose dresses. Ahhh comfort. Pregnancy bloat is not my friend right now.

Wednesday, 11 weeks, 1 day: I'm writing down my thoughts less often lately, it seems... maybe I'm getting used to this whole "being pregnant" thing. I've started spending my days on thebump.com - which, much like theknot.com, is bringing me much comfort in a time when I feel like I'm the ONLY person on earth going through something. The morning sickness is mostly gone now (except for the middle of the night) and the bloat has even passed a bit. I'm wearing regular old jeans today and I'm not dying! I still have nothing that even RESEMBLES a baby bump, but I'm hoping it will arrive soon. The hardest part these days is 1. getting out of bed in the morning and 2. Constantly making up excuses for why I can't do things like drink or snowboard or whatever. I am TOTALLY ready to tell the world about the little goober growing inside me. Next week, after our NT ultrasound I think I'm gonna tell people. Speaking of making up excuses: I had the weirdest dream last night: I dreamed that my co-worker noticed how big my boobs had gotten and asked me what was up - I had to think of a lie on the spot and so I told them that I had gotten a boob job!!! Gah! Like I said, I'm pretty ready to tell people. :)
Thursday, 11 weeks, 2 days: Being pg got me out of jury duty today!!! The trial was scheduled to last 6 weeks - and hello! with my OB appts coming up that just wouldn't have worked. I was a bit bummed to miss out on the process - I'm actually quite intrigued to serve on a jury - but a 6 week trial just wouldn't have worked for me right now. Sigh. I'm glad the judge understood. :)
Friday, 11 weeks, 3 days: We got our doppler fetal heartrate machine Tuesday night and darn it - I cannot find the baby's heartbeat with it to save my life! I know I'm a bit early (by 12 weeks the heartbeat is supposed to be easier to hear) but man it is FREAKING me out. I've tried 3 times now and I've heard diddly squat. Booooooooo. Little baby - I want to HEAR YOUR HEALTHY LITTLE HEART!!!!! Pleeasse!!!!! I cried for the first time today since finding out about the baby. Being pregnant is the biggest, most stressful thing I've ever done. EVERYTHING I do, eat, breath, etc. affects the baby. It's an amazingly heavy burden. And it's ALWAYS there. You can't just take a night off. You can't just not be pregnant for a little while while you gather your strength back up. I don't know how women do this everyday. I wish I could live on an island somewhere where I only eat organic food, and only breath perfectly fresh air, and I spend my days doing prenatal yoga and sleeping. I just want to wrap myself in a bubble so I don't accidentally mess this poor kid up. :(
Sunday, 11 weeks, 5 days: You're supposed to use GEL!!!???? Why didn't someone tell me that the doppler doesn't work without a significant amount of gel!!??? GAH! I've been driving myself INSANE all week for nothing. This morning, lying in bed, after I accidentally dumped (what I thought was) way to much goo on my belly, we found the heartbeat. Wow. Just for a few seconds. But it was definitely there. Baby has a heartbeat! Wow.

Thursday, 12 weeks, 2 days:I can't believe our grandmothers had to go 9 whole months in basically complete darkness about the health of their babies and now we have this magical little probe that looks more like a computer mouse than a medical device that can just SEE the baby it's crazy cool - we had our first ultrasound today and it was AMAZING. Two arms, two legs, a head, a heart - all right there on the screen, plain as day. I'm on cloud nine! :) Little baby, I love you so much!!!!!

Friday, 13 weeks, 3 days: Never before and likely never again will I say this: What is up with my flat tummy??? Where's my bump??? Gah. All of my friends on thebump are sporting adorable little baby bumps. Brand new little mounds of extra adorableness. I'm so jealous. I just want to pout in the corner. ::humph:: In other news - my nausea is just about completely gone and my appetite seems to mostly be back. I'm still eating pretty small meals, but at least salad and meat is back on the yummy list. :) Kyle and I have told several people now. I told A and L - which was pretty much the hardest thing I've ever had to do. With A, I felt terrible for getting pregnant so easily when she's having so much trouble. :( With L, I felt terrible for not sharing my news with her sooner. :( She is one of my best friends in the whole world and I couldn't even tell her. I was just so scared that I might "jinx" something by telling someone. I'm glad she knows now. Still haven't gotten a hold of Sara. Man! Our schedules are just opposite. Sucks. I may just have to text her the news... it's surprisingly difficult to tell people. On the one hand I want to shout it from the rooftops but on the other hand I'm just not completely ready to tell everyone yet... plus I'm enjoying telling people individually. Their reactions are each so unique. :)
Sunday, 13 weeks, 5 days: My ab muscles finally gave up - I'm showing!!!!!!! :) I've never been so excited to not fit into pants. It was truly like the muscles in my stomach just couldn't take it any longer. I noticed Friday night that my abs were sore - probably from holding in my belly. On Saturday I really tried to relax my abs and just let everything be where it wanted to be. And then today - I DEF see something. My whole lower abdomen looks swollen. Not quite a cute little pop out bump yet - but maybe this is just the shape my body has chosen to take. It's fine by me. :) There's a baby in there!!! And now all I want to wear is a dress. All day everyday.

Tuesday, 14 weeks, 0 days: What I want to know is why ALL pants don't have an elastic waistband??? Maternity jeans may not be especially flattering, but a girl could get use to the oh so comfy waistband! I feel like a little kid in jeans that bunch up in the back, but whatever. :)
Monday, 14 weeks, 6 days: Caitlin emailed me today and asked about planning my baby shower. This elicited two responses from me. 1. TERROR. Is this baby REALLY going to be here so soon that we need to start planning a baby shower already?????? Holy crap. Kyle and I are still SO unprepared. And 2. Sadness. Caitlin asked where the shower should be and it just reinforced to me the notion that we have NO family in the area. :( Ideally the shower would be at my mom's house, or an aunt's house, or something... but I've got no one. :( I suddenly feel very alone.

Tuesday, 15 weeks, 0 days: Dear elastic waist band, I heart you. Love always, me

Friday, 16 weeks, 3 days: OMG the pregnancy is starting to fly by! Made the appointment yesterday for the "Big" ultrasound - where we'll find out the gender of this little fishy living in my belly. :) We've told just about everyone we wanted to tell now. (Man - telling people is HARD! It's just such an awkward thing to bring up... "Lovely weather we're having, oh by the way I'm pregnant!" I've had to resort to text messages, IMs, and throwing it in as a sort of p.s. as Kyle and I leave a group of people at the end of the night. Ugh.) Heading down to LA this weekend for Dana's wedding - she wanted a pic with me and my belly - but it looks like my belly will mostly disappoint. It's there - but it's small. Not exactly photo worthy. Sigh. Oh well. I definitely feel like I'm going through a bit of a growth spurt right now though. My belly has been sort of sore yesterday and today. I'm wearing yoga pants to work today. It's nice. :) Also - Kyle has started talking to my belly. It's the cutest, sweetest thing I've ever experienced. He even introduced himself to the baby. "Hi baby! I'm your dad! Nice to meet you" :) Too cute.

Thursday, 17 weeks, 2 days: Woah! I've gained 7 lbs!!! No belly to speak of yet... and although my boobs are bigger, they're not 7 pounds bigger! I think the baby might be made of lead.
Friday, 17 weeks, 3 days: Ugh, just when I think I'm totally about to pop.... nothing. My belly looks exactly the same. *pout*. And I still haven't felt the little fishy swim around yet. :( I don't feel pregnant AT ALL. I could totally be one of those "I didn't know I was pregnant" girls. :(

Tuesday, 18 weeks, 0 days: Today, during one of the zillion and one different way I've tried to feel the baby move, I poked my stomach in an attempt to get the baby to poke back. (Girls on thebump swear it works!) Instead of getting poked back, I farted. Sigh. :\
Wednesday, 18 weeks, 1 day: OMG - Baby is due in exactly 5 months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, 18 weeks, 3 days: I think I'm becoming addicted to ebay as I desperately try to win a cute maternity dress to wear to foxfield in a couple weeks. The funny thing is, I probably don't even NEED a maternity dress at this stage... I just want one so bad. I wonder how many other useless things I'll buy as a direct result of this darn kid. (she wonders as she combs ebay for a BabyPlus... which is basically an inutero sound system for baby... a TOTALLY necessary purchase!)
Saturday, 18 weeks, 4 days: Kyle says to me today, "Omg, you TOTALLY look pregnant today"... and you know what? I think he's right!!! When I look down all I see is this MOUND where my stomach used to be. I think I have an officially baby bump!!! I've popped!!!! I should probably start telling my co-workers about the baby...
Sunday, 18 weeks, 5 days: No "flutters" yet... but I *think* I maybe felt the baby rolling around today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was sort of a pit of my stomach, weird feeling. Sort of like space was moving around in my belly or like a cue ball was being rolled slowly from one side to the other and leaving a really weird feeling in it's wake. WEIRD! Is this it??????? Baby!!!??? Is that you?? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Wednesday, 19 weeks, 1 day: Most mornings I wake up and STILL cannot believe I'm pregnant. That I am growing a human being inside of me. That I will be a PARENT! A MOTHER! Forever!!!! In just 5 short months. How did this happen? What on earth were we thinking???
Thursday, 19 weeks, 2 days: Met with Dr Green today - I think I need to find a new OB. Not only did she discourage me from hiring a doula (lame) - but I'm starting to feel more and more like she's very pro medical intervention when it come to L&D. And I am not. The child-birthing class brochure she gave me basically fell perfectly in line with every evil hospital stereotype portrayed in "The Business of Being Born." It was so scary I wanted to cry. There was a whole portion called "Cesarean Section - the other way to give birth"... it was like they were trying to sell it like it was "the other white meat". Yikes! So yeah - I think I need to find a new doc... and hospital. Stat.
Friday, 19 weeks, 3 days: I think I maybe MAYBE felt two little taps today!!!! Or it could have been gas. But it felt stronger than gas. I think. I was leaning forward and my pants pressed against my belly and I felt a little flick flick. But then it was gone. Man - this is driving me nuts! Apparently I have an anterior placenta which means I won't feel much of anything till baby is bigger and stronger. Booooo.
Monday, 19 weeks, 6 days: Holy Freakin Crap! We're Team......... BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TEAM BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My baby is a boy! I'm going to have a SON. Just typing it is the craziest, weirdest, most aweseomest thing on the planet. I'm literally shaking with disbelief! Not because I can't believe it's a boy (although, I was starting to think girl...) but because I can't believe it's an anything! It's a real person with a gender and everything now. SO surreal. GAH!!!!!! TEAM BLUE!!!!!! Someone pinch me! :) :) :)

Friday, 20 weeks, 3 days
: Not sure it counts as a bond fide "craving", but I think I may be developing an addiction to ice cream... yum!
Saturday, 20 weeks, 4 days: Spent the day on my feet at Foxfield in VA with friends. All the standing seems to have made baby explode... I'm HUGE!!! It looks like I have a tumor or something growing on my stomach. Crap where did all this baby come from!? I'm seriously freaking out!
Sunday, 20 weeks, 5 day: Whew. Baby bump is back down to a manageable size. Ha ha... first it's too little baby bump, then it's too much baby bump. Can't it be "just right" for a while?

Thursday, 21 weeks, 2 days: Still not much in the way of kicks (stupid anterior placenta!!!) but I did feel one MAJOR kick today in the middle of a meeting at work. Made me jolt upright it was so strong! YAY! More please!!!
Sunday, 21 weeks, 5 days: My belly button is starting to do weird things... I've always had sort of an "innie-outie"... sort of like a little mountain at the bottom of a deep moat... well now the moat is still there, but it's as if the mountain is surfacing and the moat is getting shallower. Very strange! Moat depth varies throughout the day, but each time my belly button "surfaces" it seems to hang out there a bit longer. Pretty soon it'll probably just be a mountain all the time. Weird!!!! Also - it's SUPER soft (who'd have thunk??) and pretty sensitive.
Monday, 21 weeks, 6 days: Sometimes I wish babies just came pre-named... like cabbage patch kids! This whole select a name that my son will have to live with for the rest of his life thing is next to impossible... sigh.

Wednesday, 22 weeks, 1 day: 2 Milestones today. 1. I officially look pregnant with a SWEATSHIRT! on. Gah!!!!! And 2. KYLE FELT THE BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) :) :) During dinner, baby was being a bit feisty - and Kyle put his hand on my belly and sure enough, he felt a kick! :) So so cool.
Monday, 22 weeks, 6 days: The story of my belly button... first it was a mountain at the bottom of a well, then it was a mountain surrounded by a moat, now, slowly but surely, the moat is spilling over. At the lower edge of my belly button is moat is basically gone. Yikes! Good thing I'm not actually relying on it to keep would be intruders away!

Friday, 23 weeks, 3 days: Baby is getting stronger!! Today, during a meeting at work, I felt an especially strong kick. After, I stared at my tummy for a bit and then, not only did I FEEL another strong kick, but I SAW IT!! A little whump shot up and my belly popped out in response. :) Yay!

Thursday, 24 weeks, 2 day: Twenty four weeks and change. Baby is officially (potentially) viable outside the womb. Mind blowing. In other news, my nipples hurt. A lot.
Friday, 24 weeks, 3 days: I think baby likes to be touched! Kyle felt two big kicks last night when he put his hand on my tummy after we went to bed! :) It's so crazy feeling. Most of the time I feel like *I'm* growing a thing that will someday be a child. But when I get kicked I'm reminded that I'm basically just a house for this little person who and just happens to be living inside me. HE'S the one doing all the growing! I'm just along for the ride.

Monday, 25 weeks, 6 days: We FINALLY did something in the nursery!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!! I'm so excited. Kels and Kyle put up the wallpaper border. It's finally starting to look like a baby boy's room. :) So happy. In other news - if I didn't know better, I would think I was back in my 1st Trimester! Blech. I have been SO queasy ALLLLL day. Nothing sounds appetizing and when I do eat, my entire belly fills with the most painful gas ever. :( Yuck.

Wednesday, 26 weeks, 1 day: Finally found some food that doesn't make me want to hurl - baked chicken and plain rice pilaf. Thank goodness! I had it for dinner last night and for lunch today. It is SO nice to be able to eat something and not have my stomach fight back. I'm definitely feeling more pregnant these days. Gone are the mornings when I wake up and forget, for the first few minutes, that I'm carrying a child around in my belly. The baby is now a CONSTANT presence. He's heavy! And awkward feeling. I feel huge. And very pregnant. I'm super hot and sweaty and I groan when standing up or sitting down. Everything feels like it requires extra effort these days.

Wednesday, 29 weeks 1 day: Me = worst mommy ever. I haven't written in here in FOREVER. I've been busy, I've been sending baby related emails to friends and family, and I've been posting pics on facebook. Still. I feel bad for not taking a few minutes to jot my thoughts down here. :( Anyway... I'm feeling MUCH better now, thankyouverymuch. Which is good, because a few weeks ago it seems I had a calcium deposit in my ear and I suffered from vertigo off and on for 3 days. It was a nightmare! But that cleared up, and then Kyle and I went to Cape Cod for Andy and Casey's wedding, and I even got my big pregnant butt out on the dance floor and partied with the boys at the after party till 3 am. (Of course I paid dearly for it afterward by being exhausted for an entire week!) Since Cape Cod, not much new has happened. I'm getting bigger (had to break down and buy the next size up in my maternity jeans... sigh.) And I'm starting to feel the baby more. He likes to kick my right side all day (or night) long. Kyle's even SEEN the movement now a few times. So weird/awesome. I'm now sitting at my desk at work with headphones on my belly, playing classical music to the baby... he's kicking a bit. :) Makes me happy.

Thursday, 33 weeks, 2 days: Today a co-worker asked if I was nervous about the upcoming birth... I thought about it for a second and then honestly answered, "No." If you had asked me this a few weeks ago, the answer would probably have been a resounding YES!!! But the more I learn about the birth process, the less nervous I become. I know in my heart of hearts that I CAN DO THIS. There is no longer a question in my mind. It's a wonderful feeling. :) Yoga is helping me relax SO MUCH and I've been reading all sorts of books on natural childbirth and they really helping to give me confidence. I'm quite excited about the whole thing. :)

Friday, 33 weeks, 3 days: Feeling a bit blue today. :( Seems no one can make it to my baby shower. I know summer is a busy time of year and my friends and family are scattered all over the place these days... but still, I was hoping at least a dozen or so girls could get together for an afternoon. Looks like it'll be about 8 of us instead (including me and Caitlin). Sigh. It's just so lame, because instead of making me feel loved and special, this shower is now making me feel lame, friendless, and sort of unimportant. :( :( I'm having such a pity party for myself. Ugh.

Saturday, 34 weeks, 4 days
: Had my shower today. For all the pity-partying that I did, the shower turned out LOVELY. :) Small and intimate and quite enjoyable. My mom and sister are in town for the weekend and I'm having the nicest time with them. Lots and lots of warm fuzzies.

Friday, 35 weeks, 3 days: We toured the birth center today at UCSF. First of all, it made me feel MUCH BETTER to actually SEE where I'll be giving birth. (It was also a good practice run for me and Kyle... we had NO idea where to go. Yikes! Second of all, I had the craziest realization while I was there: the next time I walk down those halls I'll likely be taking a beautiful baby boy home with me in my arms. SO FREAKING CRAZY and WONDERFUL. It's all becoming very real. The last few weeks have dragged a bit... but now I'm starting to feel like I'm back on the run away train again. Baby could literally come at ANY moment!

Saturday, 35 weeks, 4 days: The nursery is slowly but surely starting to look like a nursery! I honestly can't believe it! We picked up the dresser today, set up the pack-n-play, put the nightstand together and hauled some boxes out of the room. It's really coming along. :)

Tuesday, 36 weeks
: Today I couldn't decide between a chocolate chip cookie and an ice cream... so I got both. :) I love loving ice cream and baked goods. Best pregnancy cravings ever.

Wednesday, 36 weeks, 1 day: OMG - my boobs make food! Just a tiny tiny little amount of basically nothing... but there was definitely SOMETHING there in the shower this morning!!!! WEIRD! Food! From my boobs!!! Gah!

Friday, 37 weeks, 3 days: My water broke this morning. I'm sitting here, about 12 hours later, and I think labor might actually be starting. Weird. Contractions so far are uncomfortable but manageable. They feel nothing like I thought they would. Go figure. When I realized my water broke this morning I was really freaked out and a bit disappointed... still so much left to do before baby arrives! Oh well...

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