"Smart" phone

Sooo... I was just sending a text to some friends inviting them over for veggie lasagna tonight... and my "smart" phone decided to change veggie into vaggies. !!!

1. Why is "Vaggie" in my phone????

and

2. Why is it plural!!?? Multiple vaggies??? What kind of text messages does my phone think I want to be sending!!??

Gah.

12 Weeks

12 weeks ago, today, I was walking around town in an adult diaper wondering when labor would start. 12 weeks ago I waited, in eager anticipation, to meet my son. 12 weeks ago my life changed forever in the most wonderful way possible. :)

My (not so) little man is 12 weeks old today! And what is he doing to celebrate? Why, he's rocking his 6 month old jammies, of course.



In my (giant) baby's defense, his cloth diapers give him the fluffiest bottom ever - which, I'm pretty sure, take up at least a third of the jammies.

Other milestones this week include finding (and subsequently attempting to devour) his left hand:


And here he is giving mommy the "stop taking pictures and FEED me already" face:


Sigh.

Happy 12 weeks, B!!!

What Do You Get

Question: What do you get when you cross a Fem-bot (think Austin Powers)

with a Dairy Cow


...

The answer? Me.

Here I sit, wearing my snazzy hands free pumping bra,

(which, p.s., boasts THIS picture in its ad:

Can't you just TOTALLY see me sitting at work nonchalantly pumping boobie juice from my body while I chat it up on the phone? This girl makes it look so easy! Gah!)

pumping away.

My boobs are basically empty because B is apparently a bottomless pit of starvation (and has been for the last 2 days!) but I still have to attempt to get my "freezer stash" built before I go back to work.

I really should have started working on my stash sooner... but I had such oversupply issues in the beginning that I didn't want to exacerbate the issue by pumping... and then, because I seemed to be making plenty of milk for B, I felt all cocky... like my boobs could make an infinite amount of milk. I could get 10 oz in a pumping session, after feeding B, with one boob tied behind my back! I will have a million ounces in my freezer stash!!! Ha HA!!!!

Or, you know, not.

I've got 82 ounces now, and with B's latest growth spurt I'll be lucky to make it 100 oz by Monday.

:(

And then every single weekday - for the next 3-9 months I will sit in the bathroom at work, strap on my ohsosexy pumping bra, and make food for my baby.

Mooooo.

Drowning

The thought of returning to work on Monday makes me feel like I'm drowning... :(

I hate it. I DETEST it. What has become of our country where a family needs two incomes just to survive?? Why can't a mother just stay home and raise her child???

We ran the numbers - on Kyle's salary alone, we could technically live... but just barely. I'm talking PB&J for lunch AND dinner. And B would have to get all of his clothes at goodwill. And heaven forbid the car break down or some other big expense pop up - we'd be hosed. And sure, we've got some savings... but if we burn through that now, we'll have nothing left. :( Nothing to fall back on. What if Kyle gets laid off????

It just doesn't make financial sense for me not to return to work. Even though 37% of my take home pay will go straight to child care. :( We just can't walk away from that other 63%. It's not a LOT of money - but it definitely helps.

But my heart is totally and completely broken. I am so in love with Barrett it blows my mind. Every sigh, every whimper, every grin. I want to be there. I want to experience it. It's totally selfish, I know. B's life will be better if mommy and daddy aren't totally stressed over money. I know this. Financial problems can break up homes - I've seen it happen. And the thought of watching EVERY SINGLE PENNY for the foreseeable future - ugh. What kind of life would that be? For any of us?

Plus, if I quit my job, I risk not being able to find another one in my field when I decide to go back... and it's not like it'll get any easier to go back. Do I think I'll be less in love with him a year from now?? Even once B starts school, he'll probably have a little brother or sister that needs mommy-ing. I'd likely be out of the workforce for 5 or 6 years. I wouldn't even know HOW to return after that long off. Who would hire me?? And if I think it's hard to return to a 9-5 gig after 12 weeks off, can you imagine returning after 6 years??? If I quit, not only would I be dumping a ton of pressure on Kyle as the sole provider - but I'd likely doom myself to never working in the Engineering world again. What kind of job would I even get 6 years from now???

I keep telling myself over and over and over again that me working is what's BEST for Barrett. He will still love me. I will still be his mommy. But it is so difficult. I keep thinking that there MUST be some other way... I feel like I'm frantically splashing around looking for a life preserver, something, ANYTHING that would work for our family... but again and again I come up short. There is no way for me to stay home with and raise my own child. Not unless I win the lottery... :(

Note to self: start playing lottery.

my sleeping ball and chain

Hmmm... I laid Barrett down on my bed for a minute while I got dressed after my (way too short, thank you screaming child) shower and he instantly fell asleep. I don't dare wake him up now by moving him, but I also can't just leave him in here alone. (soft blankets and all that jazz...) So now I'm stuck in my bedroom. Hmmm, I guess I'll fold laundry?

Definitely Kyle's Kid

The ear wax this little boy generates is astonishing!!! That is all.