Wednesday, November 10, 2010


The thought of returning to work on Monday makes me feel like I'm drowning... :(

I hate it. I DETEST it. What has become of our country where a family needs two incomes just to survive?? Why can't a mother just stay home and raise her child???

We ran the numbers - on Kyle's salary alone, we could technically live... but just barely. I'm talking PB&J for lunch AND dinner. And B would have to get all of his clothes at goodwill. And heaven forbid the car break down or some other big expense pop up - we'd be hosed. And sure, we've got some savings... but if we burn through that now, we'll have nothing left. :( Nothing to fall back on. What if Kyle gets laid off????

It just doesn't make financial sense for me not to return to work. Even though 37% of my take home pay will go straight to child care. :( We just can't walk away from that other 63%. It's not a LOT of money - but it definitely helps.

But my heart is totally and completely broken. I am so in love with Barrett it blows my mind. Every sigh, every whimper, every grin. I want to be there. I want to experience it. It's totally selfish, I know. B's life will be better if mommy and daddy aren't totally stressed over money. I know this. Financial problems can break up homes - I've seen it happen. And the thought of watching EVERY SINGLE PENNY for the foreseeable future - ugh. What kind of life would that be? For any of us?

Plus, if I quit my job, I risk not being able to find another one in my field when I decide to go back... and it's not like it'll get any easier to go back. Do I think I'll be less in love with him a year from now?? Even once B starts school, he'll probably have a little brother or sister that needs mommy-ing. I'd likely be out of the workforce for 5 or 6 years. I wouldn't even know HOW to return after that long off. Who would hire me?? And if I think it's hard to return to a 9-5 gig after 12 weeks off, can you imagine returning after 6 years??? If I quit, not only would I be dumping a ton of pressure on Kyle as the sole provider - but I'd likely doom myself to never working in the Engineering world again. What kind of job would I even get 6 years from now???

I keep telling myself over and over and over again that me working is what's BEST for Barrett. He will still love me. I will still be his mommy. But it is so difficult. I keep thinking that there MUST be some other way... I feel like I'm frantically splashing around looking for a life preserver, something, ANYTHING that would work for our family... but again and again I come up short. There is no way for me to stay home with and raise my own child. Not unless I win the lottery... :(

Note to self: start playing lottery.