Monday, July 25, 2005

My Mother, Ladies And Gentlemen

This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I had my first-ever bloody nose. (Gross, I know.) Being that it was my first-ever bloody nose, I did what any other mature, responsible, adult would do... I freaked out and called my mommy. The following ensued:

Mommy, I have a bloody nose! What do I do???
Put some tissue up your nose, tilt your back, and wait for it to stop.
Ok, thanks. (<- Note: this is where the conversation should have ended.)
A bloody nose? How did that happen? Were you picking your nose?
Picking my nose!? Ewe, no. (I was blowing my nose, thank you very much.)
Hmmm, I wonder why your nose is bleeding?
Well I went camping this weekend at a pretty high altitude, and it was really dusty.
Oh, that must be it. Camping huh!? Where did you go?
Eagle Lakes.
Is there a campground there?
Nope, just a lake and a forest. It was really fun. Me, Dave, Todd, Tina...
(interrupts) Did you poop in the woods?
... What?
No campground means no potty... so I'm assuming you pooped in the woods. Personally, I like to find a tree that's fallen over and sit on it.
Ummm, ok.
So did you poop in the woods?
Well, we only camped one night, so, as it turns out, pooping in the woods wasn't an issue for me.
Have you pooped since you got home?
What?! Umm, I don't know. I don't really keep a diary on that sort of thing.
You know, you really should poop every day.
Ok, I'll keep that in mind.
I'm serious; my esthetician told me that it's really bad for your skin to not poop everyday.
So when you see people with bad skin... it's probably because they're not pooping regularly.
... ok.
You should try eating prunes if your having problems.
!! I'm not having problems !!
I'm just saying, they're tasty and they're really good for you... why wouldn't you eat them?
Ok mom, I'll get some prunes.
I'm not saying you HAVE to get prunes, I just think they're yummy... and they'll help you poop.
Mom, my face is bleeding at the moment and we're talking about poop. Can I call you later?
Of course dear.

Later... my mom calls me at work on my cell phone.

Hi Honey, how's your nose?
All better now, thanks.
Oh good, because I called your desk a little bit ago and you didn't answer, so I thought maybe you were in the hospital with a brain hemorrhage.
I don't answer my phone and your first assumption is brain hemorrhage?
Well, I don't know... I just worry, that's all.
*sigh*... I appreciate it, thank you.
Have you pooped yet?
Goodbye mom.

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