Wednesday, May 16, 2007


I’ve discovered a new level of Hell. Please save me…

We’re running that test at work again… remember? The one that requires me to be here ‘round the clock for a week straight. The one that makes me loopy, and exhausted, and disgruntled. Uggggggh. I hate this test. On the upside I got the day shift this round. On the downside, the day shift starts at 6 am (way too early!) and usually runs long. Boo.

The test basically requires me to sit in a cleanroom for 10-12 hours straight and stare at a fancy oven/freezer (called a “thermal chamber”) while the stuff inside the chamber goes hot and then cold and then hot again and then cold again. Basically, I have to monitor the temperature and make sure nothing goes horribly wrong. Fun. The going hot part is accomplished with heat lamps inside the chamber. The going cold part is accomplished with Liquid Nitrogen (which, by the way is fun to make ice cream with – you should try it!)

According the Safety People (dun dun Dun), Liquid Nitrogen is DAN.GER.OUS. So I have to wear a giant face shield and huge rubber gloves whenever I go near one of the Nitrogen tanks. P.s. I look GOOD in rubber gloves and a face shield. AND I need a buddy with me AT ALL TIMES. ALL TIMES. Even if I’m 30 feet from a tank of Nitrogen just farting around on the computer. Even if I’m wearing an oxygen sensor, and my gloves, AND my face shield. I still need a buddy. Why? I don’t really know. In case I pass out, I guess. Then, you know, my buddy could, like, drag me to safety or something. Yay.

So ANYway… my buddy this morning was some random guy who I’d only met once or twice. Hello new buddy, I say to him, your job, for the next 10 hours, is to watch me work. Oh and please drag me to safety if I pass out. M’kay?

Most buddies bring a book, because watching me watch a fancy oven/freezer is just not that entertaining.

Well, this buddy was different. He saw our special time together as the PERFECT opportunity to get me to buy into his AWESOME pyramid scheme, which, by the way, is going to turn him into a millionaire in just 2 short years. And did I know, by the way, that 90 % of the millionaires in the US today earned their millions with similar pyramid schemes. (To which I felt like responding Did YOU know that 78.276% of all statistics are made up on the spot?) AND, he continued, if I was lucky enough to get in on it early I might also enjoy millions of dollars of income in just 2 short years with little to no effort on my part.

When I asked how he intended to make his millions he said, “I’m recruiting thousands of people to be distributors beneath me. And then they'll all recruit thousands of people to be beneath them. And EVERYONE will get rich”

“Oh really?” I asked, “How many of these distributors do you have so far?”


“Huh. Only 971 to go. And what exactly is your product?”

"Ecrap* (which, he informed me, means Ethics in Greek, so the company MUST be reputable) FR.


“Yes! Ecrap*FR!! (enter sales pitch) It’s a mineral oil, with esters, that you put in your car’s gas and oil tanks that will make your car run smoother, get better gas mileage, AND emit fewer toxins into the environment.”


“The environmental part is really the best part. You know, global warming and all that stuff.”


“And you’ll save so much money on gas that the product pays for itself! You can basically save the planet and it doesn’t cost you a thing.”


“You know, if you become a distributor – you too could enjoy a lifetime of financial freedom! You’ll be saving the planet and becoming wealthy beyond your wildest dreams all at the same time.”

“I’m good. But thanks anyway.”

This went on for over an hour.

Really? THIS is my buddy? Mr. Why Don’t You Join My Pyramid Scam? I think I’d rather just pass out and die from the Nitrogen. And the worst part? I couldn’t leave!! I HAVE to monitor the test at all times. And he has to monitor me at all times. So I was just STUCK with him.

I pretended to surf the internet in an effort to make him stop talking to me, but instead he hovered over my shoulder and made me look up the company website, where he showed me exactly where I could sign up, pay a simple one time fee of $49.99, and then start raking in the dough. Up to $25,000 per week! Wheee!!!

Please go away. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease at least stand more than 6 inches from me. And PLEASE stop talking to me about your STUPID pyramid scheme!!!!!!!!!

In a final act of desperation I feigned freezingness. (Totally a word). It was not cold in the lab, but I pretended I was cold, and I got a heater… and then I turned the heater on full blast… and then I aimed it straight at me (and therefore straight at Mr. Hovering Right Above Me.)

Ha HA! Success.

Hot and sweaty, and clearly getting nowhere, he finally gave up and went back to his own work area.

Ugh. As if my job wasn't horrible enough already.

*Name changed so I don't advertise for these slimey people.

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