As Heard In My Apartment

Flipping through yet another bridal magazine, I came across yet another article that made me want to throw in the towel, hop a plane to Vegas, and vow to love, honor, and cherish with no one but a half-naked Britney Spears impersonator and a few sequin clad Elvises as my witnesses.

"Seriously, Kyle, let's elope."

Kyle put down his magazine, stared deeply into my eyes, and said, "My darling, I love you like the sweetest melon, but we cantaloupe." All with a straight face.