Sunday, February 18, 2007

The No-Thank-You Dance

So we've all been there... out dancing with the girls, giggling, having a blast, drinking just enough alcohol to shake your booty, but not so much that you'd want to shake your booty up against some strange guy. It's a girls' nights. No boys allowed! You're buying your own drinks, not making any eye contact with members of the opposite sex, and you've got your impenetrable girl circle going on on the dance floor. Life is good. Good until some slimy guy decides that your girl circle is an untapped resource that apparently needs tapping. You give him the "I'm not interested" look, you gracefully dance away from him, you even have a girlfriend pretend to be your lesbian lover in the hopes that he'll get the point that, really buddy, I don't want what you're selling! But the slimeballs are relentless. The girl circle is forced to hunker down and fend off attack after pathetic, drunken attack. You and your girls must be vigilant in a modern day circling of the wagons to keep the unwashed heathens out. Ugh.

If only there was a better way.

Ladies, there is! It's called the no-thank-you dance.

When one of the unwanted unwashed tries to infiltrate your posse, you simply switch it up a bit on the dance floor. Start with your arms in the air above your head, fingers spread eagle... think jazz hands. Now, to no particular beat what so ever, slowly wave your arms back and forth in a strange naughty by nature's "hey-ho!" / "We are the world" sort of hybrid motion. The slower and more awkward the better. Overzealous head bobbing is also strongly encouraged. Throw in a kick and an elbow jut here and there and you're golden. The goal of your dance should be to put Elaine from Seinfeld to shame.

No man can dance with this. I know, because I saw several try as my friend, Lucia, waved wildly to a beat that existed only in her head. The heathens dropped like flies as we all broke out the no-thank-you dance and flopped ungracefully around the dance floor. It was awesome. And it worked like a charm. I can't remember the last time I had such a great/slimeball free evening of dancing.

One small word of caution though... if you're going to use the no-thank-you dance, be sure to wear waterproof mascara, because you WILL laugh so hard you cry. I promise.

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