Thursday, November 13, 2008


Sweet! I've got proof that I made the right decision when I chose to leave my current job. This is an email I sent to a some co-workers a few days ago, in which I express my outrage at the latest law flowed down from our evil overlords. I'm becoming increasingly convinced that these rules and regulations are designed to maximize futility and minimize employee morale. Enjoy.

From: me
To: my co-workers
Sent: Friday, November 7, 2008 5:48:04 PM
Subject: I'll miss this place

Just in case there was any doubt in my mind that I made the right decision when I chose to leave [Big&Evil Inc.], today I received indisputable proof: I got reprimanded for using scissors. Apparently there is a new [B&E Law] out that scissors are no longer allowed – because they’re sharp, and people can cut themselves.

I kid you not.

Forget that kindergarteners use scissors all the time, [Big & Evil] employees apparently can’t be trusted to use them properly.

Reprimander: I’m sorry, sharps aren’t allowed anymore.
Me: Oh, these are just scissors. Safety scissors, no less. They barely cut paper.
Reprimader: Sorry, [B&E law] states that scissors are no longer allowed.
Me: But I have to cut this.
Reprimander: You’ll have to find another way.
Me: Another way to cut something? But that’s what scissors are for!
Reprimander: Sorry, we’ve had a lot of injuries with scissors. People cut themselves.
Me: Well maybe you should hire smarter people.

When I pressed him on how exactly he plans BUILD HARDWARE without ever using a sharp tool, he finally conceded that, ON OCCASION a sharp tool may be necessary, and if that was the case a detailed procedure would have to be written – complete with appropriate caution statements and warnings – stating exactly how the tool should be used. (“Insert thumb and middle finger into the loops on the base of the scissors; gently move thumb away from middle finger thus causing the blades of the scissors to become exposed. WARNING SCISSOR BLADES MAY BE SHARP!!!!!” ???

Just kill me.

I expect pens to be outlawed next (you could stab your eye out!) Then we won’t be allowed to leave our cubicles (lest someone trip and fall while walking!) And don’t get me started on push-pins!!

In fact, if it wasn’t for this company’s LOVE AFFAIR with paper, I could definitely see them pulling the plug on that too (can you imagine the number of paper cuts people must get every year? Yikes!)

I’m a bit tempted to demand that we all be able to work from home everyday, as I’m sure just getting out of bed greatly increases your chance of injuring yourself, but instead I think I’ll just walk away from this madness. Slowly. Looking both ways before I cross the street, of course.


It's nice when life makes the decision easy for you, no?

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